Hey kiddies this was sent to me by [email protected].. I thought it was pretty interesting but too long for the list so here it goes.... Thanks RedJeep!!

The Perfect Dump - Every once in a while, each of us experiences aperfect dump, it's rare, but a thing of beauty in all respects. Yousit down expecting the worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding,fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the splashless graceof an expert diver. But that's not the end of it. You use some toilet tissue only to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feelthat all is right with the world and you are in perfect harmony withit.

The Beer Dump - Talk about nasty dumps. Depending on the dumper'stolerance, the beer dump is the end result of too many beers. it couldhave been 2 or 22, it doesn't matter. What you get is a sinister,lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by a malevolent fog that could close abathroom for days.

The Chili Dump - Hot when it goes in, and rocket fuel when it leaves.The chili dump stays with you all day, making your tush feel like aheat shield.

The Cable Dump - Long, curly and perfectly formed like 2 feet of E13telephone CO-axial cable. It loops lazily around the bowl, like afriendly serpent. You wonder admiringly, "DID I DO THAT? Where did itcome from?" you leave the bathroom pleased with yourself.

The Latrine Dump - In case you didn't know, a latrine is a hole inthe ground with a tent around it where soldiers, boy scouts and fliesgo to dump.Tip: Don't ever, ever look in the hole.

The Mona Lisa Dump - This is the masterpiece of dumps. It's asperfectly formed as it can be. Delicate and slender with intricaciesthat would make da Vinci weep. And just think, you made it yourself.You may even want to break out the Polaroid, but maybe that's going abit too far.

The Empty Roll Dump - You're done...you reach for the toilet paperonly to discover that empty cardboard cylinder. A mild panic beginscoldly in your throat. You could use the curtains...no, someone wouldsay "Where are the curtains?" Then what would you say? The rug?...toocumbersome.Then you must come to the same conclusion that every "emptyroll dumper" must face...Pull up your slacks, tighten your tush andwriggle yourself to the nearest full roll.

The Splash Back Dump - You send the dump on its way, it drops like adepth charge into the bowl creating a column of cold bowl water thatwashes your bottom with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wetand embarrassed. Tip: Blot instead of wiping.

The Aborted Dump - You are in mid-dump when the phone rings. What do you do? ABORT! Pinch it off, go for the phone, and save the rest forlater.It isn't pretty, but you've gotta do what you gotta do.

The Caesarian Dump - Pain, that's what this dump and childbirth havein common. Its simply a case of too much dump trying to go throughtoo small a hole, and there's no obstetrician to help.

The Alfresco Dump - Everyone has had to go outdoors from time totime. This can be a rather pleasant experience really. The open air,the nature, and a good bush all contribute to the peaceful ambiancethat our primitive forefathers must have enjoyed. What can screw upthis harmonious interlude is a troop of brownies or a patch of poisonivy.

The Childbirth Dump - This is a dump that is simply too big to gothrough the aperture provided by nature for the purpose. You sitthere, thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and it isn't goingto get any better. You wonder if you'll ever see your loved onesagain. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies tryingto hatch monster loaf". You realize you'll have to resolve the crisisbefore you can leave the bathroom. Basically there are only three things you can do:

1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope like hell have enough Vaseline to get you through it.

The Tijuana Trot Dump - The phrase "Shit Happens" really applies herein a big way. When the ice in your tainted margarita makes contactwith your lower intestinal tract, the fun begins. For the next 72 hours you'd be better off if you carried your own portable toilet with you because you will spend most of that time on the pot and the rest of the time in a fetal position. Now you realize why Mexico never had a navy.

The Machine Gun Dump - You're just sitting there in a state of sublime peace when all of a sudden you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the silence like machine gun fire. The guy in the next stall hits the floor like a combat veteran cradling his umbrella like an M16...damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump - You feel a noisy one coming on. Relatives,friends or work mates are within earshot, so you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is obviously very important here. At the precise momentof release, try the following sound effects:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Sing the first two stanzas of your national anthem
3. Drop a handful of quarters on the floor

The Security Dump - You have enough on your mind when you're in thebathroom without worrying about a lockless door and someone burstingin to find you in mid-dump mode. So how can you prevent thisembarrassing spectacle from taking place? One way is to strategicallyplace your foot against the door. If you can't reach to do this...hum loudly.

The Cling-On Dump - For the most part you've completed your dump, butthere's one little morsel that refuses to drop off. You're getting impatient. Someone else wants to use your stall. So, you grip the seat with both hands and wriggle, twist and pump but that last little stubborn piece just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the bowl water. Maybe the person poundingimpatiently on the door has scissors.

The Houdini Dump - You go, then you stand up to flush, and the darnthing has disappeared. Where'd it go? Did it creep down the pipe? Did you dream the whole thing? Is it lurking out of sight? Should you wipe...maybe you should just to make sure you went. Should you flush? you'd better, because if you don't, you know it will reappear andsmile at the next person who comes in.

The Flu Dump - You feel so bad that you don't know which end of youto put down first. You have roaring cramps, so you sit down. Then awave of nausea rolls over you like a cold fog, so you stand up and cramps squeeze your intestines like a vice so you sit down again...updown up down. Don't you wish Mom were close by?

The Porta-Pottie Dump - Construction workers and outdoor concertgoers will tell you about going in a portable toilet. My best description would be, "Its like taking a shit in an upright coffin".It's claustrophobic and it smells bad...best advice: Go in a paper cup.

The Proctologist Dump - In the beginning, the lord created the earth,the sky and the firmament, but I hope he didn't create this dump,because there is nothing biblical about it, you run out of gas.  That's right, you run out of propulsion. The dump is right there at the end of your barrel and refuses to go any further. You grunt, yousqueeze, you wriggle but it just stays there like a lump of lead.You've only got two choices here. One is to squeeze the damn thing back up your intestine and wait until next time. The other is to pretend you're a proctologist and go after it yourself. Not a pretty picture is it??

The Whole Roll Dump - No matter how much you wipe, it doesn't seem tobe enough. You blow the whole roll and you have to flush 25 times too.The whole episode is consumer waste.

The Graffiti Dump - You flush the dump and the swirling motion of the receding bowl water forces the dump to the porcelain sides, scrapinga creative squiggle on its way down. You flush again but the curly-Q  hangs there...love it or leave it. Its your choice.

The Encore Dump - Ahhhh, you're done, so you wipe, put yourselftogether, wash your hands and are about to vacate the bathroom whenyou feel another dump coming. You have to return for a curtain call.The world's record is seven encores.

The Born Again Dump - This is a dump that's going so badly, you say"Lord, if I live through this, I'll take up religion" you always get through it, but seldom keep the promise you made in desperation, because a born again dump is like childbirth...you forget the painquickly.