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THE DUMP
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INSIDER'S GUIDE TO THE MALE VOCABULARY
 
     "I'm a Romantic."
                    "I'm poor."
 
     "I want a commitment."
                    "I'm sick of masturbation."
 
     "I'll give you a call."
                    "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by
                     wild dogs than see you again."
 
     "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."
                    "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."
 
     "I really want to get to know you better."
                    "So I can tell my friends about it."
 
     "Haven't I seen you before?"
                    "Nice ass."
 
     "She's kinda cute."
                    "I want to have sex with her till I am blue."
 
     "I don't know if I like her"
                    "She won't sleep with me."
 
     "I miss you so much"
                    "I am so horny that my male roommate is
                     starting to look good."
 
     "Was it good for you?"
                    "I'm insecure about my manhood."
 
     "How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?"
                    "Is my penis really that small?"
 
     "I had a wonderful time last night."
                    "Who the hell are you?"
 
     "Do you love me?"
                    "I've done something stupid and you
                     might find out."
 
     "Do you 'really' love me?"
                    "I've done something really stupid and
                     someone's on their way to tell you by now."
 
     "How much do you love me?"
                    "I need you to bail me out of jail."
 
     "I have something to tell you."
                    "Get tested."
 
     "I've been thinking a lot."
                    "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
 
     "I've learned a lot from you."
                    "Next!!!!"
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The teacher says, "Children, today I will ask each of you to come to
the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Today's word is
'beautiful'."  

Little Sally, would you please come up here and use 'beautiful' in a
sentence?" 

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and
said, "Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world."

Teacher says, "Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. "Little Frankie, 
your turn." 

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and 
said, "Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise 
I have ever seen." 

Teacher says, "Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, 
it's your turn." 

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and 
said, "Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was 
pregnant and he said, 'Beautiful, Just fucking beautiful.'"

Submitted by... Ed 
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Men are always whining about how we're suffocating them...

Personally, I think if you can hear them whining, you're not pressing 
hard enough on the pillow......

Submitted by.. Jeanne
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My husband put some magic back in our marriage - he disappeared! 

There's only one thing that keeps me from being happily married - my 
husband! 

My husband gave up sex for Lent and I didn't notice till Christmas. 
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A group of Americans was touring Ireland.  One of the women 
in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. 
The bus seats are uncomfortable The food is terrible, it's 
too hot, it's too cold, the accommodations are awful.  The 
group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. 
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss 
the Blarney Stone," the guide said.  "Unfortunately, it's 
being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it.  
Perhaps we can come back tomorrow." 
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted.  "We 
have some other boring tour to go on.  So I guess we can't 
kiss the stupid stone." 
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss 
someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good 
fortune." 
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman 
scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."
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There's 3 blondes walking down the beach, they find a bottle and decide 
to rub it and a genie pops out. he says, since there are 3 of you I will 
grant each of you one wish. The first blonde says she wants to be 
smarter than a blonde...poof! she's a red head.  The second blonde says 
she wants to be smarter than a red head...poof! she's a brunette. the 
third blonde thinks about it  and decides that she wants to be dumber 
than a blonde...POOF!!  
She's a man...
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Monica Lewinski's lawyers are thinking about the following defense:

"If she didn't spit, you must acquit"
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Dear Boss,

To ensure that you have a good time on your trip to Australia,
your team members have planned and developed a special itinerary
to fill the time during your leisure hours. Agenda follows:

Day 1: The "10 Deadliest Snakes" Fall Tour. You and a guest will
be escorted through the outback and provided with the
opportunity to handle and examine each of the world's 10 most
deadly snakes.

Day 2: The "Great White Encounter". You and your tour guide will
take a small boat to the Great Barrier Reef, where you will be
able to dive into the chum-laden water and experience the beauty
of the Great White shark.

Day 3: The Aboriginal "Festival of Spears". You will be the
honored guest of a small aboriginal village as they celebrate
the subjugation of the aboriginal race by the white man, with
free liquor and a special weapons exhibition.

Day 4: The "Crocodile Dundee" Petting Zoo. You will be able to
come up-close and personal with the occasionally harmless salt-
water crocodiles of the Australian coast. Lucky audience members
are asked to participate in a croc wrestling exhibition.

Day 5: "Those Marvelous Morays". This tour will once again
return you to the beauty of the Great Barrier Reef, where you
will be allowed to hand feed special finger-shaped sausages to
the wild eels of Stubby Hand Reef.

We hope you will enjoy your trip!

- All your loyal employees.
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Twin brothers were named Joe and John, Joe was the owner of an old 
dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the same day that 
Joe's boat sank. A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the 
street mistaking him for John, she said to him, "I'm sorry for your 
loss, you must feel terrible".Joe said, "Oh hell no, face is I'm sort of 
glad to be rid of her.  She was a rotten old thing from the beginning, 
her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like dead fish.  She 
was always losing water, had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big 
hole in the front which got bigger every time I used her.  She leaked 
like crazy and it was difficult to keep her upright.  But what really 
finished her off was when four tough guys rented her for a good time.  I 
warned them that she wasn't any good, but they all wanted to have a go 
with her anyhow. The damn fools all tried to get on her at the same time 
and it was just too much for the old girl, while they were trying to get 
into their various positions she split up the middle".
The old woman fainted.
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So this Texan winds up in hell, and the devil say’s, "It’s hot down 
here, I keep my thermostat at 85 degrees with 85% humidity. You won’t be 
able to stand it."  But as he looks at the Texan, he sees that he is 
smiling and laughing.  The devil can’t stand it and asks the Texan why 
he is so happy. "Reminds me of Texas in June," laughs the Texan.

Well, I can fix this, I’ll just turn up the thermostat a little. So now 
its 110 and 95% humidity. The devil checks in on the Texan a little 
later, only to find that he’s unbuttoned his shirt, but is still smiling 
and laughing.  "Reminds me of Texas in July," laughs the Texan.

The devil is furious, so up goes to the thermostat again. This time it
goes to 150 with 99% humidity and the Texan is just loving it. He’s got 
his shirt off and is smiling and laughing.  "This reminds me of Texas in 
August!" laughs the Texan to the devil.

Allright, allright, I’ll fix this Texan yet.  So this time the devil 
turns the temp down to 25 degrees... cold, very cold, and when the devil 
looks in on the Texan this time, he finds him running around laughing 
and joking and hooting and hollering, just as happy as can be.

The devil is absolutely furious and when he asks this time, the Texan
yells, "THE RANGER’S WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!!!"

Submitted by.. Ed 
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The Teacher chalks up the word, "contagious" on the blackboard and
tells the pupils, when called upon, they are to stand and use the word
in a complete sentence. Suzie is called first and she stands and says, 
"When I had the measles, I had to stay home from school because measles 
are contagious." Jimmy was next up and said, "Each year I have to get a 
flu shot because influenza is contagious." Johnny is called on and says, 
"The other day I was riding with my father in town. A lady with a horse 
and a wagon full of strawberries was in front of us, but she turned the 
corner a bit too fast and the crates of strawberries tipped off, broke 
up eveywhere, and strawberries went rolling all over the street. The 
lady got down and began picking up the berries. My dad then said, 
"Lordy, Lordy, it's gonna take that 'contagious' to pick up all them 
thar berries."
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Q. What do you call an American in a World Cup final?
A. The referee.

Submitted by.. Clint 
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When does a woman enjoy a man's company?
When he owns it.

Why do men have legs?
So their brains don't drag on the ground.

How are men and parking spots alike?
The good ones are always taken.  Free ones are mostly handicapped or
extremely small.

Jewish dilemma: Free PORK.

hehe.. 
submitted by.. Carl 
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An ugly, but well dressed guy walks into a bar and sits down on a stool 
next to a beautiful woman.  After a couple of minutes pass he turns to 
her and asks, "Would you be willing to go to bed  with me for a million 
dollars"?  She hesitates for a few seconds and then says, "Yes for a 
million dollars, I sure would."   The man than asks, "Would you go to 
bed with me for a quarter"?  The woman gets angry and says, "just what 
do you think I am"?  "Well," the man says, "we have established that.  
All we are doing now is haggling over price."
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What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, 
and a jackass who'll pay for it all.
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A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean.
The audience would be different each week, so the magician
allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem:  The captain's parrot saw the
shows each week and began to understand how the magician
did every trick.  Once he understood he started shouting in
the middle of the show:

   "Look, it's not the same hat"

   "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"

   "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was,
after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank.  The magician
found himself on a  piece of wood in the middle of the ocean
with...... the parrot, of course.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day and another and another.

All of a sudden, the parrot began to smile: "OK, I give up. Where's the 
boat?"

Submitted by.. Joe 
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A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was 
wrong.

"Ohhh, it's my girlfriend," his buddy said.

"Oh yeah? What's the problem?"

"I asked her if she could learn to love me," he replied, "and 
she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education.

Submitted by.. Al 
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Well kiddies this is it for todays edition of jokey jokes.. 

Remember who loves you baby!!!!!!!!!!!